Loneliness

 

Loneliness. What is Loneliness? Is being Alone different to being Lonely. Recently I have explored Loneliness for my Final Major. This is a Subject very close to my heart. Having a safe place is something I can relate to. Sometimes those that smile the hardest have battles you might not be aware of. For me my Loneliness was associated with being isolated or somewhat feeling isolated. Being lonely is not a primary mental health condition however it can be a symptom of poor mental health or somewhat impact on your mental health. My loneliness developed a few years ago after I fell deeply madly in love. The bond I had with my now Fiancé was somewhat empowering. Our love grew intense and fast for each other. He left Home to work overseas.  Thoughts of insecurity. Feelings of being lonely scared me. I questioned myself. How can I do this with out the other piece of me? From this day, I became somewhat emotionally disconnected. I love him more than life. I loved with every inch of my body.  I loved him I was madly in love, I could never imagine my life without him. The deep seeded Loneliness emotion was battling with me.  I was afraid to show my love. I was afraid to just let go and live in the moment. The lasting thought always stayed with me. The Days and nights passed in-between the time he was at home. Now We Have two Beautiful boys. Whilst they give me hope they give me strength they encourage me everyday to grow. When My Fiancé is not around I still call on my “safe place” when my boys are tucked up into bed. I cradle myself and I cry harder than I ever thought possible. Night time is the worse. Knowing your getting into bed and your one love is not there with you. That feeling of emptiness. Having him to talk to in the evenings about how my day has been. How I’m feeling. The simple things that most relationships take for granted. To have someone come and take over and give you a break from being a hardworking full time mummy. To share the duties of looking after a home and a family or as simple as having someone tell you put your feet up il make you a cuppa. I appreciate Everything this man does for me and my boys and he has been such a supportive fiancé encouraging me to develop as a photographer. whilst he provides me with all these words of encouragement and being the support that I need. Being lonely and feeling isolated can affect those even in the biggest of crowds. When he came home he would often do everything to make me feel special shower me with love. I remained disconnected. I was becoming hard to love. I resented the fact that he was working away from home. Having his week to himself and full nights sleep. Being able to nip to the shops on his own. Whilst I was struggling balancing everything and trying to find a little me time even to get my head down for an hour. I always had this smile on my face an appeared to be the strongest person of all my friends. But inside I was crumbling. Behind closed doors  I was battling this feeling of being lonely and just needing him to be here to take the pain away. After battling these emotions for a few years I finally opened up to him. I needed to not only for myself but for my children. I told him how the feeling of being unhappy alone and isolated was taking over. I would cry myself to sleep every night just to feel a release of the emotions building inside me. I told him that I needed him home. Not for what appears to be selfish needs but for my family to survive. The distance was always a battle for me I thought I would of been stronger than this. After a lot of discussions and many rows by both of us. My Fiancé is coming home. My feeling of being lonely is slowly leaving me as the date gets closer I can feel myself getting stronger. I still need my “safe Place” from time to time and this is okay. this is nothing to be ashamed of. For me now, talking about how I’m feeling with my Fiancé and walking him through my emotional journey has brought us closer. He can never empathise with me how this journey has been nor can i emphasis with him how his journey has been. However, we appreciate that it hasn’t been easy for either of us. We have had bad days as most do. probably more than others, But what keeps us strong is looking ahead and focussing on those better days to come. Those who can weather the storm. Psalm 55:6-8 And I say, “If only I had wings like a dove, I would fly away and be at rest. Yes, I would go far away. I would live in the desert. I would hurry to my safe place, away from the wild wind and storm.” Matthew 8:26 He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. There is always light at the end of the tunnel sometimes some of us have to go through difficult times to reach that shining light. Never Give up.

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